Hyper-Independence in BIPOC Women: Roots, Impact, and How to Heal
Growing up as a mixed Black and Hispanic woman raised by my Guatemalan side, I was surrounded by what I now recognize as the classic immigrant mindset: work hard, stay strong, don’t complain, keep going. I learned so much from the women in my family.. their resilience, their loyalty, their sacrifice. But I also learned something none of them ever meant to teach me:
Never ask for help. Handle everything yourself. Relying on others is weakness.
My mom and grandmother and other women in my family were the anchors, and yet they rarely leaned on anyone. Even when their world was falling apart, they pushed through alone. And like so many descendents of immigrants… I soaked that up without even realizing it. Fast forward to adulthood, and I notice the same pattern in myself. I’ll struggle with something (work, school, health, relationships) and my first instinct is always:
“How can I figure this out on my own?”
Which is ironic, because I literally studied psychology. I know the benefits of therapy. I know what EMDR can do for trauma, how somatic therapy helps the nervous system reset, and how DBT builds emotional resilience. I advocate for all of it. I tell everyone mental health should be treated with the same seriousness as physical health. And yet it took me hitting one of the lowest points in my life to finally reach out to a therapist. It wasn’t until then that I truly understood how powerful our caretakers are in shaping us and our emotional habits.
We learn what we see.
If you watched your caregivers push through without support, your brain internalized that as “the right way.” Psychology Today often highlights this idea: modeling creates our default settings.
Hyper-independence is common in BIPOC and immigrant families.
It’s not a flaw, it’s a survival strategy. But survival strategies don’t always support long-term mental health. Many immigrant and refugee families report culturally rooted norms that discourage relying on outside social services or even community support, emphasizing self-reliance, privacy, and protecting the family’s honor, which often leads individuals to avoid asking for help or sharing personal struggles. And so the cycle goes…
Therapy helps you rewrite the pattern.
Modalities like EMDR, somatic therapy, and DBT therapy help people understand where their independence comes from, calm the body’s threat response, and build healthier ways of relating to others. Even telehealth or virtual counseling can make support more accessible. You don’t have to wait until you’re “falling apart” to get help. You don’t need a crisis. You just need a willingness to unlearn what no longer serves you.
Therapy helped me notice the tiny ways I avoid relying on others.. and slowly, gently replace them with healthier habits. I’m not completely ‘fixed’. Asking for help still gives me major anxiety and I still try to avoid it. But I eventually do ask now. I’ve learned to allow people to show up for me.
And I’m better for it.
And you deserve that too!
If You’ve Been Thinking About Therapy… Take This as Your Sign
At Dreavita, we understand the cultural layers behind hyper independence. Our therapists know how identity, family dynamics, and survival patterns shape the way we ask for help, or avoid it. We can match you with someone who gets it.
Let someone hold space for you, you were never meant to do this alone.
