Therapy Hits Different When You Stop Editing Yourself

Therapy is not a performance review. Here’s what changed for me when I stopped filtering myself, especially with an older therapist, and let my real voice show up.

My therapist asked, “Let’s pretend we are in the real situation. What pops into your head if he were to reject you?”

I giggled immediately as the thought popped up.
“What is it?” she asked again.

I hesitated to answer but went ahead anyway. “Do you know that scene in The Office when they are rehearsing how to deal with irate employees?”

“No, I haven't watched it,” my therapist says, looking ever so slightly confused.

I start uncomfortably laughing and stalling before saying, “Umm, okay, so basically, one person is pretending to fire an employee, and the other is the employee getting fired. Anyways, when it's Michael's turn to be the employee getting fired, he screams, ‘AHHHHH I’M GOING TO K*LL MYSELF. I’M GOING TO K*LL MYSELF, AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!’”

We both stared at each other.

Trying to salvage the conversation, I spoke again. “So that's what popped into my head…”

After another silent pause, she says, “Are you having thoughts of harming yourself?”

Immediately, I blurted out, “What? No. I was just answering honestly about what popped into my head.”

Another pause.

“Trust.”

Unfortunately, I don't think she trusted that. 😬

Small real quick note before we move on:
If you are having real thoughts of harming yourself, tell your therapist directly. What I’m describing here is me using dark humor while still being fully aware of how serious things are.

Have you, much like Mr. Worldwide, also been there? Yeah, same. Starting therapy, or even continuing it, can be really scary for so many different reasons other than talking about your past traumas, given that a lot of people don't even know how they are supposed to be with their therapist.

Like, are you supposed to be formal or professional? Should you only answer the questions given, or should you also bring up related things that popped up for you? Is my therapist gonna know what I even mean by, “Yeah… growing up my dad didn't pass the vibe check.”

These types of concerns are real, and they can be super anxiety-inducing, which then takes away from your costly session time. Basically, it is the fear of judgment in therapy, doing what it does best.

So how do you express yourself in therapy while also trying not to be “too much” with what and how you say things? Short answer: you don't. Because being yourself in therapy is kind of the whole point.

In my experience, therapy really only produces results based on how much you put into it. A lot of it comes down to the therapy relationship itself, like how safe and real it feels to be you in that room. Hiding or filtering your response to your therapist limits how helpful the session can be. Think about it this way. If you don't say what you really feel, then how will they ever know? (Nobody’s gonna know.)

From what I’ve seen, a lot of the time your therapist is gonna be older than you, or at least from a different generation with different life experiences. That can make it easy to assume what is and isn't acceptable for you to express at first, even if your therapist is actually open to it. A lot of younger clients with older therapists end up doing this little mental math at first.

As a part of Gen Z, I know how scary it can be to be completely unfiltered and just blurt out your innate responses to things. Expressing your emotions so truthfully and raw is part of what led to the formation of the derogatory term “Sensitive Snowflake.” But are we actually overly sensitive, or do we just place more value on emotional and mental health so that our quality of life improves around everything else in our lives? (…Who said that?)

Gen Z’s bluntness isn't about being too much, rude, or sensitive. At least for me, it’s about being real. Real to ourselves. Real to the people around us. Being real isn't about putting on a brave mask and then never talking about your problems while they eat away at you. It’s about honesty and transparency with yourself. It’s about living the life you have to your fullest potential, even if that potential is not what older generations picture for success. If it doesn't hurt you or anyone else and it makes you happy, then that's enough.

When I first started therapy, I was working with a therapist who specialized in OCD. She was very kind and warm, but I didn't feel comfortable expressing my unfiltered thoughts out of fear of rejection or judgment. The dynamic felt more professional, and it being my first time, I wasn't comfortable or even aware that I could change that dynamic. I answered when asked, filtered how I said things, and behaved as I thought I was supposed to.

But let's cut to now, seven years later, (oof) and in my last session via telehealth. My therapist logged on to me playing liminal and unsettling music in the background, to really set the scene for what I was gonna say. I say what's on my mind bluntly, even if it’s not “appropriate” by societal standards. Most of my traumas are explained with jokes, and I laugh about the absurdity of it all, but my current therapist doesn't assume I'm minimizing or being too much. I’ve already explained to her that it's just how I process information, and I'm fully aware of the gravity of the situation, but if I don't hehe haha right now, I will implode. (Not a threat but a matter of fact.)

The day I stopped filtering myself was the day therapy really started hitting hard. I was making more progress with my struggles. I wasn't afraid to say, “Yeah, so I was so done with her at this point, and the whole time I was thinking, ‘Alright, no worries, I'll just go k*ll myself real quick.” I dove deeper than I ever had before in therapy and my healing journey, and OH MY GOD it’s helped so much. 10 out of 10 would recommend.

So how did I get from point A to point B?

• I say the thing first, then explain it.
  Instead of over-explaining for ten minutes and never saying it.

• I name the vibe.
  “I’m worried this is going to sound a bit much, but here goes.”

• I don’t translate my personality.
  I let my humor and directness exist in the room.

• I correct gently, not silently suffer.
  “That’s not what I mean, let me try again.”

• I ask for curiosity.
  “Can you ask me about XYZ instead of assuming what I mean? It helps me understand where you, the therapist, are at while giving you an understanding of where I’m at.”

If you are reading this thinking, “Cool, but I am not there yet,” that’s fine. The goal is not to speedrun vulnerability. It is just to stop treating therapy like a performance.

Being yourself in therapy does not mean being polished. It means letting the real version of your thoughts show up so your therapist can actually work with you, not the customer service voice you invented. If you show up filtered, they are doing therapy with the filter. And you are paying real money for that, so no.

If the generational gap makes you want to translate yourself, you can name that. You can correct them. You can say the thing first and explain after. Awkward five seconds included.

Pick one thing you usually edit next session and try saying it out loud. See what happens. That is literally it.

Moral of the story, therapy hits different when it is actually you in the room, not the version you think is easiest to swallow.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Okay, love you, bye! 

- Lei (Leilanie) Torrens