Grieving While Estranged
A solitary figure walks along train tracks into a bright light, symbolizing the emotional journey of grieving a loved one after estrangement or emotional distance.
The process of grieving a loved one is challenging in itself. But when your relationship with that person was estranged or perhaps you just simply were not close to that person, it can become a very complex journey.
On average, it is reported that around 27% of adults are estranged from a family member. The estrangement can vary from completely cutting off a loved one (no contact) to limited contact, perhaps only seeing this person on holidays or at family gatherings. Because of the variances and how uncommon familial estrangement can be, losing an estranged family member and grieving that loss can present a very lonely journey. One can feel like their partner, other family members, friends, etc may not understand their feelings or how best to support them.
These are some ways to help navigate a very long and complicated journey of grieving an estranged family member:
Honor your feelings. This is your personal journey and only you understand the reasons and circumstances leading to the estrangement. If you feel sad about the passing, allow yourself space to feel sad, cry, and take care of yourself in that space. If you are unsure of your feelings, journal about where you are emotionally and consider grief therapy.
Remind yourself that you are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. You don’t need to “fix” your grief or even understand it fully early on, at this point it is about giving yourself space to honor your feelings. There is no “right” way to grieve, so honor your way that you are dealing with this loss.Check In With Yourself. Many times in the passing of a loved one, even if you are estranged from that person, you may be called on to perform tasks such as helping with funeral arrangements, reaching out to other family members to inform others of the passing, and/or attending services. Do not obligate yourself to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. If you are not sleeping well, give yourself time for rest. If your eating has been disrupted, take a break to prepare yourself a meal and time to eat it in peace.
Reminder… these tasks of mourning (preparing for funeral services, making announcements, etc) are for the living and you are not obligated to perform them all. Choose what you feel comfortable with and set boundaries to honor your personal grief journey.Uncomfortable Questions/Moments. There may be times during your grief process where you are presented with uncomfortable questions/moments. People who understand the relationship dynamic may not understand the right way to comfort you during your grief process because of the complex dynamics of estranged relationships. Those who didn’t know of the estrangement may present with emotions or comfort that is not within the realm of your feelings/grief journey. During these situations try to let people know how you feel with clear direct statements (i.e. This has been a very challenging time, I fail to have words to describe where I am emotionally at the present moment, I am still navigating this loss), thank them for their concern, and let them know that when you are ready to talk about the loss more you will let them know.
Reminder, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about your grief journey. Sharing with trusted loved ones early on will help you to be able to reflect upon your feelings and honor your grief journey.Accept the end of the Relationship. The loss of a loved one that we are estranged with brings with it the complexity that you will never be able to repair and/or connect with that person again in the physical sense. To some this may be the closure they need to move on from a very painful experience in their lives. Others may have regret of not being able to make amends and move forward towards reconnection. Whatever your feelings are, it is important that you give yourself the time and space you need to not only grieve the loss of the person, but also the finality of the estranged relationship.
Remember, if you didn’t get the opportunity to reconnect with the estranged loved one, that chance to do so in the physical has passed which can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions even if you believe the estrangement was for the best.
Navigating the loss of an estranged loved one can be very challenging to do. Please know that you are not alone. Cardelia, MS, LMHC can help you through this very difficult journey and create a safe space for you to grieve, share, and validate all of the challenging feelings that come up along the way.
Book a session with Cardelia Dischert today to get the support you deserve while grieving the loss of an estranged family member.
